It isn’t easy.
It isn’t easy being me and I don’t mean that my life is so horrible, honestly it’s not that bad, but inside my mind it’s an ongoing battle to stay alive or not.
It’s just how I am and I really wish that they’d understand that. They act like I want to live like this…like I want to shut people out and push people away…but when I open up and state how I feel, they judge me, tell me I’m overreacting, tell me I’m being stupid and self-ish. It’s like they don’t understand that’s why I bury it all inside me. It’s like I’m burying myself alive with all the shit I can’t share with them because I don’t want to argue. I put a smile on my face and I act like it’s okay so that they’ll be happy…but then they get mad at me for it.
I’ve gotten so good at playing along with the charade that when it was brought up today, all I wanted to do was shut down and cut myself. Cut myself like they cut me down. I hate it. I just want them to stop. Stop caring about me if that’s how they’re gonna do it. I’m always alone, always on my own, and I’m always dealing with things on my own. They weren’t there when mom and dad were going through the lies and shit…they weren’t there. They just don’t get it…I had no one to turn to and so I kept it all inside…I kept it all locked up and I only let it out in the form of blood and tears..and after all those years of doing that, they expect things to change…they expect me to think they’re there for me without judgement when all along I can hear it in their tone, I hear the words they’re saying, and it’s all making me feel like shit even more. I hate it.
I hate you for bringing it up…I hate you for making me feel like that and I just wish that you’d stop…stop treating me like I haven’t been dealing with this for so long…you couldn’t even answer the question of how long I’ve been like this..you couldn’t because you DON’T KNOW…You have no idea how much I hate myself…not because I’m ugly or stupid..but because inside I can’t stop the things that run through it…I’m sorry and you think that you telling me to go to a mental institution will make me feel better? Really you think that isolating me into an actual room where I’ll be actually alone with no freedom will help me get over it? Really you think that’s what I want? You thin that that’s how to cure me? To send me away and to come back as a different person? You think that makes me feel loved at all? really? You think that makes all my problems go away? It won’t…I’m doing fine just burying it all…it’s all my problem and I’ve been taking care of MYSELF for how many years? How many years have been emotionally trying to control myself?
I was doing fine until you brought everything up and made me go back to all those feelings from the past…I really was. Thanks…really…thanks…it helps to remind myself how much of a fucking insane psycho piece of shit I am. It feels great to know. I’m gonna go and deal with my pain how I’ve always dealt with it. Thanks for helping me break the strength.